My entire high school career, I’ve been plagued with a lack of sleep. Late night Black Mirror binges on Netflix, research papers, and the like have all kept me up. I was on a nocturnal clock. In the daytime, I’d faze in and out of consciousness, wandering mindlessly from one commitment to the next. Even when I wanted to go to sleep at a reasonable time, I couldn’t. I’d stare at the lights hanging down from my room’s ceiling and force myself to think of relaxing fields, whimsical cows, and wind chimes. Nothing ever worked. That was until the fateful Saturday night I discovered the handy tools provided by Project SNZ. I remember grabbing the little bag with all of my supplies and emptying it on my desk. Essential oils, check. Eye mask, check. Notepad to presumably jot down my innermost thoughts, check. I huffed some essential oil. Nauseating, maybe, soothing, eh not so much. I jotted a note or two in the notepad: latest Netflix infatuation, a sketch of the food I was bound to scarf down at brunch. I donned my trusty eye mask, settled down, and passed out—conked, crashed, died, kaput.
Waking up that next Sunday morning was eye opening. I raised the lip of the eye mask, and the light pouring in through my window was at once blinding. The clock by my bed read 1:30. 1:30! I’d never slept in that late. I sprung out of bed. Immediately, I was surprised by how relaxed and energized my muscles were. My senses were sharp. My mind was clear. I felt like I was ready to take on the day. Those hours of deep REM sleep had been unbelievably regenerative. I swore I’d even grown!
From that night on, I’ve been a changed man. Though I still wake up disoriented, wondering, Why is it so dark!, and, What is this rank smell?, I am always relieved by just how relaxed I am.
I am now an ambassador of and a proponent for Project SNZ. To all of you doubters out there, Project SNZ is real, and soon you too will be enlightened by its wonders. As an ambassador, I feel the need to spread the word of Project SNZ to everyone I encounter. Want to take a nap in the library after a hard day of Monday classes? I’m here with all of your supplies. Need to catch a couple of regenerative secs in math class? Give me a call, and I’ll be there, with oil and all. Feel the miraculous effects of a good night rest. In only three weeks, it’s scientifically proven you’ll grow at least an inch! To all of you haters out there, don’t worry, you’re time is coming. Conveniently locked in your room at 10:45 p.m., a Project SNZ ambassador will track you down soon enough. Protest all you want. Sleep, and you’ll be number one! Have too much homework? Blah, it can wait. Take that nap! Your teachers will understand!
Now, you might be asking, what’s next for Project SNZ? I assure you that a team of hardworking scientists are on the job! We’re currently working on a new brand of hallucinogenic essential oils that render an ideal sleep environment. We’ve also upgraded our sleep mask technology. No more annoying straps or uncomfortable rubbing sensations. Our new and improved sleep mask will clamp to your face using suction technology and only let go when it deems you’ve gotten enough sleep. Project SNZ is also looking for new and improved ways to better your sleeping habits. Take for example our new EMP personal emitter, which shuts down all electronic devices in your room after a certain time. No more late night Netflix binges. No more nights grinding on homework. JUST SLEEP!
Carpe diem with a refreshed body and mind!